Rejected For Loving A Nigerian Man

57 Comments » May 21st, 2007 posted by // Categories: General Articles



Rejected For Loving a Nigerian Man

 

I just hung up the phone on my mother tonight! This is the second time I hung up the phone on her since I married my Nigerian husband on January 4, 2007. She insulted me more highly than I thought was possible. As I am writing this, I am still wondering, “What in the world is wrong with my mother!” “Does she not know how much she has insulted me!”?

 

The closer it gets to the time when my Nigerian husband and stepson will join me in the states (prayerfully in June), the more my mother reveals what is in her heart.

 

In marrying my Nigerian husband, I find that I, an African American woman, have taken on the entire country’s fight as well. I mean I am called on, through thoughtless remarks or questions, to defend my choice. And tonight, my mother actually told me that she does not want my Nigerian husband or Nigerian stepson to come to her house and meet her when they arrive in the states, for she is afraid they carry a deadly disease. Now my mother is 73 years old and has multiple illnesses in which she has been fighting and dealing with for years. But all of her illnesses are under control with her daily dose of numerous medications.

 

You see I live in South Carolina, and my mother (with the exception of one brother) live in New Jersey. When my husband comes to the states, we had planned for him to fly into JFK airport in New York (straight flight from Lagos, Nigeria), so we could go to mom’s house in New Jersey from the airport. That way, my husband could meet my mother, one brother, three sisters, and other relatives. However, mom, had been asking me if my Nigerian husband had gotten the “all health clear” of not having AIDS, asked me again. She finally just came right out and said, “Instead of coming here to my house when he and his son gets in, we will just come down to your place and visit you this summer”. It really didn’t dawn on me what she was really saying until later tonight. When I thought about it, I realized that my mother, whom I see only about twice a year due to my job schedule, would never in the past reject a visit from me (except now!) I, therefore, called her back and asked her why she would rather that we not stop in and see her at her apartment, but rather, she would prefer to travel over 700 miles to come to us when we get home. She said, “Did your sisters or brothers tell you what I said?” I told her no they hadn’t, but I knew in that moment she did not want my Nigerian husband and Nigerian stepson in her apartment. So, I said to her. “You know I never did ask if it was alright for my husband and stepson to stay with you for a week, but I automatically assumed it would be alright, for they are my husband and stepson!” That is when she said that the doctor told her sometime ago that she should not be around people with “deadly diseases”, and therefore, she did not want them in her house. I asked her why she felt they had a deadly disease (and I was fuming with anger on the inside and trying not to show it in my voice over the phone), and she said they were from Nigeria. I asked her if she realized that she had insulted me to the highest level, for they are my husband and stepson, and we come together as a package. I let her know that if she rejects them, then she is rejecting me! I asked her how does she know one of her own children (my sisters and brother) do not have AIDS when they visit her and sit on her couch. She strongly informed me that, “Her children do not have AIDS!” Well, in the end I hung up on her, for she was insistent that my husband and stepson are full of a deadly disease simply because they are from Nigeria. Now mind you, my mother and I are (or I thought we were) extremely close. I call her daily . . .. I send her funds when possible . . . I support her constantly . . . and I love her deeply. But tell me—how can I go back and visit her now? I mean how can I just say to my Nigerian husband and stepson when they come, “Honey, I am going to visit mom now, and I will see you in a week. Sorry, honey, but you cannot come, for mom does not want you in her house!”

 

I am shocked at her rejection. I reminded my mother that both of my brothers, the one that lives in New Jersey and the other brother that lives in Florida BOTH have wives that are not African American. One brother is married to an Italian girl, and the other brother is married to a Jamaican girl. I asked her, “Why did you not reject their spouses, but you, an African American woman, are rejecting an African man and an African child, which are closer to your ancestors heritage than my brother’s spouses?” This is totally ridiculous!

 

I can scream at this point. Imagine, my own mother, whom I love deeply and call daily to inquire about her health, well being, and financial security is rejecting me because she does not like who I married—namely a Nigerian man. Every chance mom gets, she always mentions something about a Nigerian (frauds, schemes, poverty, AIDS, lack of education, etc.).

 

My husband just buried his father this week, and the family is still grieving over their loss. I have decided not to tell him this turn of events, for it would really hurt him. When I came to Lagos, Nigeria, his entire family welcomed me with open arms. I was treated like royalty, and here my mother, a good Christian woman will not even allow my Nigerian husband and stepson to enter her house. Lord have mercy! He was so looking forwarding to meeting her. At one point, he wanted to know if it was appropriate to bow to her, for he wanted to show her the utmost respect. I let him know that we do not bow to one another at all (males or females), but to hug her is good enough. Now, he will not be able to do that, for she probably does not want him or my stepson to touch her.

 

You know what, I am sick and tired of how bad people react when they hear the word Nigeria or I am married to a Nigerian. I know Nigeria has many issues, and the recent election did not make it look any better, but what in God’s name is wrong with people. Why cannot people understand that all of Nigeria is not bad, but there are actually some wonderful, intelligent, kind, sincere, and HONEST Nigerians?

 

I am just angry with my mother tonight! This situation is just ridiculous . . . ! My heart goes out to mixed couples, for this treatment, especially coming from Christians is just horrid!

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57 Responses to “Rejected For Loving A Nigerian Man”

  1. MoAl says:

    It goes show how fear of what’s not known can cause others to act outside of their normal actions. God-willing, this situation turns out alright for you, and your mother comes to the point where she is able to embrace your family with open arms

  2. pmdaboh says:

    Thank you so very much MoAI, for I appreciate your encouragement. Nice hearing from you again.

  3. maddlyne says:

    Dont worry it happens

  4. kbjojo says:

    You are not in the least wrong about your actions..That is over-proctection on Mama’s part, for some Mamas do that ,expect her to do that for life.She may want you to be a lone girl owing to experiences and hearsays she may have had in the past.But please try always act softly to her until she see the goodness from your new family. also keep you hubby away from what is happening,let him continue to be a man he is to you.This happens to 95% of every marriages.it’s up to you to realise this and try to cope well. Best wishes.

  5. kbjojo says:

    You are not in the least wrong about your actions..That is over-proctection on Mama’s part, for some Mamas do that ,expect her to do that for life.She may want you to be a lone girl owing to experiences and hearsays she may have had in the past.But please try always act softly to her until she see the goodness from your new family. also keep you hubby away from what is happening,let him continue to be a man he is to you.This happens to 95% of every marriages.it’s up to you to realise this and try to cope well. Best wishes.

  6. illuminati says:

    its a massive shame in this day and age for a black woman to say stuffs like that yet we will shout to the high heavens if a white person did that,im sorry but i think you need to blank your mum totally till she sees reason because that kind of behaviour is worse than that of the kkk or aryan group and she should be ashamed of herself,why isnt you husband going by all we have heard about akatas and jamos?we have heard you guys all have guns and sell drugs,take drugs and will shoot smone for 10 dollars

  7. Jessie says:

    illuminati, the reason her husband isn’t going by what he’s heard about akatas is he’s the one eeking out an existence in a country he’s desperate to leave like 99% of your population. When you consider the massive crimes against humanity committed by your cults, areas boys, ritualists, drug dealers, swindlers etc her husband is in no position to open his mouth about akatas. Do you have any idea what’s beng discussed about the professions most of your women enter once they arrive in Italy and all over Europe these days?

  8. NO Sugarcoat Here! says:

    First of all.. Your Mother may have said some bad things, but hey thats Mom.. Maybe she is TRYING TO WAKE YOUR ASS UP! What makes you think that this man is going to be with you forever?? You are being USED… I have a nigerian man. So NO I am not discriminating…but guess what… I did not put myself out there and bring him from Nigeria! nor did I marry him so he could get his green-card! Instead, I told him I really like you, but I want no part in this process!!! I DID NOT WANT TO BECOME A STATISTIC like yourself and the “countless” other shameful White/Black AMERICAN WOMAN allowing themselves to be used for CITIZENSHIP by Foreign MEN!! So, I advised he to do what ever he has to do for himself and his life.. I also told him if you and I truly care for each other we should be able to work through this and still grow to love each other; if it is meant to be. We are still together and I love him so much for respecting my decision. He had to married another American woman desperate for love and a husband such as yourself. I thank this idiot for keeping my man here for me.. LOL Wake up Girl… This is real life and you are only a tool if you make yourself one. I speak to alot of Naija Men still in nigeria. This is the GAME girlfriend!!! I have heard them speak of this idiotic misconception of LOVE you have!! They all want to come to AMERICA!! Everybody Plays the FOOL…sometimes…Its your turn!!! Enjoy now.. There will be heartbreak in the end…. Sorry thats reality. You will have served your purpose in his Life. This is how the WORLD goes 90% of the time. You are an INVESTMENT. You are an AMERICAN. You hold the KEY to his LIFE and thats all you will be viewed as; especially in this desperate circumstance…

    • pmdaboh says:

      Out of respect for you, I choose not to address you in the rude manner in which you did me. You do not know either one of us, so to take your comment to heart would be utterly ridiculous. And just because your circumstances are different than mine does not guarantee you a successful outcome–though I wish you the very best in everything.
      Be blessed. I will not lose sleep over your opinon, but it is just that–yours!

    • Laura says:

      No Sugarcoat, you have spoken nothing but the truth. It’s “extremely” sad witnessing American women being snookered for foreign men like so many desperados these days. Of course, her husband will not remain with her once he arrives with his kin and learn the lay of the land. It’s unfortunate that she won’t realize what her mother and family is trying to point out until it’s too late.

      • pmdaboh says:

        I find it interesting that only women make such negative comments. Are you African, and do not appreciate a Nigerian man not remaining in Africa? Usually the negative you wish on others comes back on yourself. I am always careful to not speak anything against anyone I do not know personally, for one thing it is not my business, and the other thing I do not have a right to do so. I am certainly far from desperate, and have date American men as well. But my Nigerian husband captured my heart. If you want to predict gloom and doom do so over our own life. So are you saying ALL foreginers are desperate. I have seen many American women be taken advantage of by American men. Do you think heartbreak is only done by African men? One thing I do is to accept those well wishers who know how to speak life and encouragement into someone-as opposed to negativity. By the way, my mother is now 100% behind my husband, has apologized for her ignorance and “prejudice”, such as you are displaying, and has readily accepted him as she has her other foregign daughters-in-laws. I have White, Italian, Jamacian, and now African in my immediate family. And guess what, Laura, they are still married after all these years. This article was written months ago, and many things have changed by then. Do you actually think you are guaranteed a long marriage when you meet and date someone the tradition way (no an American since you think a foreigner is automatically a liar)? I tried that once. I dated my ex-husband for 3 years, married and bore him 6 children (which are grown now), remained married for 25 years, and it did not work out. He regretted what he did, but for me we could not go back to the state after that horrible situation. I dated others after being deparated and then divorced for 8 years, but none captured my heart like he did. I am certainly not desperate, for I am not bragging, bug I am not an ugly woman, and I am financially able to support myself. I fell in love with a man over the internet, and guess what millions do, and many of their marriages last longer than the traditional marriage. I said all this because you do not even know me, lie Sugarcoat, yet you have a nerve to speak something negative over my life. Speak over your own life, Laura. My marriage with my Nigerian husband will last, and now it has the backing of my entire family. Even if it did not, it would last. My mother was afraid of Africans period, for she felt they were not clean due to the many things she heard about Africa in particular. If you have nothing positive to say about someone, especially someone you have never met, learn to briddle your tongue, so it does not come back to haunt you in your life with your own relationship. I guess I just had better upbringing. I would have advised caution if I did not know the person.

    • Leah says:

      Hi! I pray that all will work out for you and your husband. I am married to a Nigerian man. I sponsored him from Malaysai where he had been living for 3 years. We communicated on line for 3 yrs before he finally arrived in Canada Dec 2005. My family were not happy about our marriage and they warned me to be very careful. They thought he was using me to leave a difficult country. Since being with me we have gone through alot of cultural differences. I am still told regularily that one day he will leave me when he is ready. This makes me very insecure in my relationship. I feel he wanted to be in a marriage with me because he is stil with me today, however we have a lot of problems and at times I believe my family were right to warn me about not marrying him. He sends money home faithfully to them and to me they are more important than I am. However all people are different and I trust you have a good experience with you husband. I have never had the pleasure of meeting his family. I feel out of the loop with them entirely as I dont have a relationshipe with them at all. I think it is wonderful that you were able to meet his family in person. This will be great for you. God bless you and I pray all works out for you
      Leah

    • leah says:

      My husband always talks about his country as if they are a superiour race. He says that white people brought aids to Africa. I reply to him sayng I didnt do it and i dont know the people that brought the aids there. He always refers to back home and uses the term “we” dont do that back home. It is a if they are all a family there and so perfect compared to us westerners. Why does he protect his country and yet he left it for some reason. Why do people want to leave Nigeria so badly if the place is so much like heaven? I desire to go there one day to meet his family, but we cant go untill he has money to take there and perhaps has a house built there. Do you suppose my Nigerian husband will leave me one day as he says when he has enough money he is leaving? If anyone has any insite please let me know.

    • Patricia Daboh says:

      My husband and I have been happily married for almost 3 years now , and we are doing great. I laugh when I see negative comments about him; for no one knows him personally, or me, for that matter. He is a great man, and we are blessed to love one another and share our lives together. It is a shame that negativity is all some people can spread, but it actually propels me forward to spreading the good news that all NIGERIAN men are not fraudulent men and liars . . many are honorable. Who ever said all American men are woncerful and honest. God bless you, I hope you find someone decent and kind as well. Do you know how long ago I wrote my article, and my mother LOVES HIM DEARLY. She is very sorry for her words, and we have spent time in her house and have been treated wonderfully. Stop hating someone else’s happiness because YOU have been dealt a bad blow in life. Keep on living and move on, change that negative attidue, and just perhaps a good man will come your way.

    • leah says:

      I pray to God that my own situation will turn out well with my nigerian husband. I love him too, but I do think that the possibility is there that I was used by him to leave a difficult country. I do believe though that he loved me and wanted a marriage with me. We took a risk because of the love we shared. I was in true love for him and I believe he also was with me and still is, or he wouldnt still be with me this long. We have been married for 5 years now. Lived together for 4 and met in May 2003. It took 3 long years before he finally was approved to come here. My marriage to him was his ticket to Canada. I paid his way entirely. He basicly had a free ride here. I notice today that this is just a past event in his mind. He doesnt really appreciate or remember anymore what it took to help him leave Malaysia. I thought I was in God’s will helping him . Since being here has been a struggle in and out of jobs. To this day he is still working in an agency. He was blessed to have the government pay for a truck driving course, but he hasnt been able to get employment in this field as of yet. I think he had high hopes of making money easily without knowing the cost of living here in Canada. Both he and I had high hopes for our relationship and I still do, but I am not sure he will stay in all honesty, he often speaks of leaving here. Even in the future he wants a home in Nigeria and I cant see living there. I would love to visit,but I cant see living there. So I am living one day at a time, but I do feel insecure, and I do think being as you know about these men more than me. Perhaps you are right I want to think he is different, but only God knows for sure. On the positive side of things I am praying for us each day and I do believe in Miracles

      • Mctunji says:

        Hi Beloved Leah,
        I just wanted to let you know something today, with GOD All Things Are Possible!. Likewise with the children of GOD, only if you believe in GOD, and trust him for everything you desires will surely come to you, put your trust in GOD, and have strong FAITH in HIM, HE will surley bring it to past. if you Love him take away your doubt, only believe in GOD, even if he has other intention towards you, still trusting in GOD for what you want, I Love my wife and She Loves me dearly, she just came toNigeria of recent and spent about three weeks before she returned to the State. it takes GODs’ grace and favor to found a good wife and or husband
        but i pray you will findfavor before GOD in Jesus mighty name. am still right herein Nigeria, I was happily married I loss my first wife in a fatal Car accident in May 24th, 2010, I met My new Wife early this year two years after my late wife past away to GOD’s glory. we are in Love and we do talk everyday. she was a widow too. and with kids, Remains blessed! IJMN.

    • Freedom says:

      i wish patricia the best you are being ridiculous Nosugarcoat not all nigerian men are like that.i am a nigerian and i think you are a RACI** and you are flawed by thinking america is the most superior of all races and hold the key to life all human beings hold the key to all regardless of race,tribe or skin colour GO PATRICIA

  9. NO Sugarcoat Here! says:

    PMDABOH- I am not being rude.. (believe me..Im not) and no one is wishing anything Negative on you silly!! I am simply stating my opinion. You dont like it…SO??? You post this NONSENSE and then cant handle opinions about this foolishness…. Hey, its your life and if you choose to make foolish mistakes at your “Age” then so be it!!! ~”BUT”~ when you choose to “POST” your Foolish mistakes to an Audience as Large as the http://WWW... and I repeat.. WORLD WIDE WEB…. expect criticism, opinions and whatever else people out here “choose” to post… it comes with the territory my “naive” Pmdaboh… SIMPLY PUT… THE TRUTH HURTS*** ~and it shows…. “Life is like a box of chocolates” ~Forrest Gump Enjoy!!

    Laura- Yes, it is very unfortunate…Thank god there are still some sensible, independent, STRONG, intelligent, thinking… women in the world that are “not” the type that feel lost in life if they are NOT married and attached to the hip of a man and settling for FALSE INTERNET LOVE…. I just love technology!!! It brings such amusement to the world!!

    • pmdaboh says:

      I accept all well wishes. Anything else is not my lot in life. God bless all the haters and downers. I really pray your much happiness and success in life, for that is what I hope and pray for myself.

      Be blessed 😉

    • pmdaboh says:

      No SugarCoat Here, it is sad how bitter you sound. I really feel sorry for you, for your rudeness and almost unwarranted attach about my life is based on nothing but your emotions. I feel really sorry for anyone that will dish out such hatered, anger, and nastiness toward any human being.

      I really feel sorry fo you. This will be my last response to anything you post in the futue, for there is no need in trying to talk sene in what seems like a senseless person, who has not been trained well enough to know how to respect others when you speak.

      If you cannot stand this article, you better avoid my future ones; for I am just getting started. And guess what, your nastiness will not deter me from expressing my thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I love the world wide web, for it is through that avenue in which people have responded to me favorably (with the exception of a few), about my live and inquired about how to also process their fiances or spouses to America. I love my Nigerian husband, and I will NOT allow your bitter attitude to affect my life–because God has the last say over my life–NOT YOU.

      • NO Sugarcoat Here! says:

        I guess my post got under your skin a little… Sorry.
        That’s just your conscious eating at you…

        Please dont feel sorry for me… Save that energy and emotion for when you really need it in the future, to deal with your situation.

        Sorry you feel Im being nasty toward you… Once again that’s just your conscious eating away at you… I did not say I couldn’t stand this article? Its slightly “entertaining” to me… Carry on. 😉

        ~Im a strong woman with strong words and I can see how you could get my words twisted and have to tell yourself that Im “not” God. How flattering… Thanks! 😉

        *Congratulations on the marriage!! ;-o

    • Mary says:

      Hey Lady:

      I know you’re probably a hard working american woman so am I. I believe the only difference between you and I is that you’re too dumb to face the true. I have communicated with so many african men over the years and most of them are very good at charming silly foolish woman like you to marry. I know your husband must have just charm your silly ass really well. I’m not saiding charming is not good but most of them do that mentally and physically to take control of your mind. I believe if I had to give your husband a grade today believe me I would give him a (a plus). I’m not saiding what your mom said about your husband was true but; please woman try to understand your mother is acting in fear trying to protect you from unseen danger. Ms lady sometime you can’t see what’s in your future until everything is over. I’m just going to say to you and your husband keep God in the marriage and everything going to work it self out.

    • Waitamin says:

      pmdaboh,
      Did you say you are married to your guy? First it was based on distrust-allowing him to deliciously taste another woman before you.
      You are what some nigerians will refer to as’egbere'(Evil spirit). You are the dumb one rejoycing way too early- No one loves a spiteful,mean spirit, you delight in shooting pain at others. After all the brightest black men especially with Computers and investment banking are wonderful married nigerians. Gosh!!!!

    • Happy9ja says:

      Poor,Mad,Dumb,Adamant,Bitchy,obnoxious,Hurt-PMDABOH

    • Patricia Daboh says:

      Yes, it is my life, and I am having a wonderful time with my Nigerian husband after 3 years of marriage. I find it amazing that “anyone” can judge someone or somthing a failure and has never met my husband or me or do not know us in the least. But I guess as long as people have a tongue, it will deduce forecasts. However, I praise the Lord that I do not allow the negative opinions of others affect me. I believe some people have been through tough times themselves or they know someone who has, and they now want to forecast gloom and doom on others who marry a Nigerian man–as if any human, male or female, does not have the capability to hurt others at some time in their lives. As always, I say hate on “haters”, but as for me and my husband, we intend to live every moment the Lord has blessed us with to the fullest with love, respect, and kindness.

      Amazing, you a stranger, who has never met either of us has the nerve to tell us what truth is–you mean it is your sad truth, and your opinion. I find it amazing that the most negative comments and remarks seem to come from people who are African. I mean if my husband, who is Nigerian by birth is a horrible man simply because he is Nigerian, what does that say about any African. Are they simply horrible because they are African? You are degrading your own brother–or perhaps you feel you are a better African, or whatever nationality you are because you are DIFFERENT. You need deliverance from yourself.

      I, as a writer, can post whatever I like; for that is what writers do–post material. I do not expect all positive comments, but trhat does not mean I dc not have the right to defend the foolish and negative comments either.

      Let me put it another way, when the Lord blessed me to wake up this morning, I did not say . .”Oh me, Oh my I cannot survive this day, I cannot make it for someone out there thinks I am foolish and does not like what I write! LOL You do not make or break me, for you have nothing to do with me. You add nothing to me, and you certainlty cannot take anything away. I hate to put it so directly, but for some people, such as yourself, directness is what it takes to make you see your comment or opinion about my life means “nothing” to me at all–especially when you are negative and do not know me or my husband at all.

      I am blessed . .above and not beneath . . the lender and not the borrower . .you cannot take away from me what God says I am, for you did not create me, and you do not determine my eternal or even earthly destination. God bless you anyway, for hatered over someone else’s happiness is a sad thing to have.

      God bless!

  10. Jobani Aderankun says:

    You

  11. NOTscared says:

    It’s really saddening to learn how stupid and naive you all are to critisize ALL Nigerian men b/cos of her decision to marry a man of HER DREAMS.Are you so stupid not to know that all men are the same no matter where they come from.That does’nt mean there are no good men in the world and Nigeria in particular.I can bet you,there are better men in Nigeria than in the rest of the world.My advice to you darling is treat your dream man with respect,love him whole-hearted.YOU WILL NOT BE DISSAPPOINTED.I PRAY THAT YOU HAVE A LIFE-TIME OF FRUITFUL MARRIAGE.Hugs!!

    • pmdaboh says:

      THANK YOU! My husband arrived on June 19, 2008, and we are on our second honeymoon. The 17 months of separation of going through the immigration process but seems like a “blink of the eye’ now that we are apart. I am very grateful for your kind remarks and wisdom that you showed. As you said people are people, and there are good and bad people in every country and throughout every culture. Just because my husband is Nigerian DOES NOT MEAN he is using me. How many American men use woman right here (plenty)! I have learned to ignore “haters and prejudice people”, for if they cannot speak something positive in someone else’s life, how can they speak life and a positive outcome in their own life. The word of God says we reap what we sow. That means if I wish evil and speak harmful words to someone else (especially if I do not have any facts to back up those statements), then the same thing in the future will come to them (somerone will speak negatively to them about a situation that is dear to their heart). THANKS AGAIN for your sincere, heartfelt words towards my marriage. We are having loving ourselves and the pain of separation has been forgotten. God bless!

    • pmdaboh says:

      Oops . . . I meant to say . . .”the 17 months of separation of going through the immigration process but seems like a “blink of the eye” now that we are together.

  12. Asikaburu Ifeanyi says:

    It is quite ridiculous the way people jeopardise the name of a great country for selfish interest or political gain. Nigeria like any other country has many people with different characters like any other country you could imagine. Many worst life charasters are known from people who castigate a country that have a lot to proffer to this world in terms of peace and talents. Must we not know that Nigeria as the most populous black with no segragative sprirts has to given a bad name so that people would never feel they have big heritage somewhere. Lets call a spade a spade. Lets know that acknowledge God’s hands in the people we call Nigerians, no nation is perfect. Nigerian is endowned with uncountable resources and can be seen crude because it has never really been matured with minding the years of independence. I love my country and I would love others to love my country because I love the world and let the peace of God reign in it…Amen

  13. kingsley says:

    hello for the fact she is plain and truth forward. i wish God will prove to your mum one day and she will understand.i wish you the best of luck.and moreover take it cool and i strongly beleive that you are not far from your success in term of uniting the both parties your mom and your nigerian husband.bye

  14. kingsley says:

    hello for the fact she is plain and truth forward. i wish God will prove to your mum one day and she will understand.i wish you the best of luck.and moreover take it cool and i strongly beleive that you are not far from your success in term of uniting the both parties your mom and your nigerian husband.bye

  15. ATLlady says:

    I see the responses that you received were both positive and negitive. So it has been a year or two since you posted your story? So how did things turn out for you? Are you and your husband still married?
    Well no matter what noone one says, you are in control of your own happiness. It does not matter if your mother is not happy for you, as long as you as happy for yourself. People tend to forget that we are all God’s childen, and are created equally in his eyes. It is funny that African Americans talk about Africans like that is not their ancestory. The only thing different between African and African American is that African Americans were bought to the states as slaves, so if history wouldn’t have taken place as it did, all of us may still be over in Africa this day.
    People are quick to be judgemental about your situation. They fail to realize that many (not all) African American men don’t want the responsiblity of a wife or family. They would rather lay with you, keep you pregnant and never marry. People posted comments about he was using you for citizenship, but many African American men (not all) use women for various things. A place to live, somebody to take care of them, somebody to screw, etc. All I can say is that I commend you on your decision to marry a Nigerian man. There are alot of women out here that are married or single that is miserable or lonely, so I am glad that you found you a good man that is going to love you and take care of you. I am not mad at you girl, do your thing. Nobody can judge you but God himself, and marriage is honorable in the site of the Lord.

    • Patricia Daboh says:

      Thanks for the comment. Yes, my husband and I are still married. Matter fact, he was finally given his visa and joined me on June 19, 2008. We moved to Greensboro, North Carolina; and we are doing well. We are learning, as most couples do when newly married, to mend and blend together. By the way, my mother is his GREATEST fan now, and she asks about him first before she asks me how I am doing. We are happy and enjoying life.

      • ATLlady says:

        That is wonderful. I am glad that everything has worked out for you and ur new husband. Yes marriage is hard work, but as long as yall keep God first, your marriage will not easily be broken.

  16. Rickie says:

    A day will come when you will say, I should have listened to mum.

    • Patricia Daboh says:

      Rickie, I am sure everyone has those days in reference to something in our lives; I have before, and it had nothing to do with my marriage. I said those words before I got married as a teenager (didn’t you?). However, I accept well-wishes for my life, not negative wishes.

      • Rickie says:

        It is crazy for any woman to go to Africa and bring a man with a son as a husband. It is Okay if this lady had lived in Africa for a couple of years and met the man there.

        To the lady in question, I need to know what academic qualification this man has and wish to know yours and what your career is or put simply what you do for a living. Also, since your man is now in your country, what is he doing now job-wise? Answer these question and I will be back with you soon.

      • NO Sugarcoat Here! says:

        @Ricky- Love is BLIND. It’s like beating a dead horse..
        The things women do just to have a man in their lives…
        Lord, help them.

      • NO Sugarcoat Here! says:

        @Ricky- Love is BLIND. It’s like beating a dead horse..
        The things women do just to have a man in their lives…
        Lord, help them.

  17. Patricia Daboh says:

    Rickie: I won’t take time to go back and forth with you concerning an article I wrote months ago, which for me, has turned out beautifully. I am grateful that the Lord blessed me with my husband, and we are doing very well. I wish your future is a happy, healthy, and prosperous one. God bless!

  18. REE says:

    ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS US.

  19. REE says:

    ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS US.

  20. Nwankwo Onuoha says:

    Patricia’s mother may have expressed her suspicion of Nigerians in a rather racist manner but anyone who knows Nigerians deep down would also know that Nigerians themselves are so racist that they would compare very well with KKK. I am an Igbo man from eastern Nigeria (former Biafra) and I know Nigerians will pretend to accept anybody once they have something to gain from them.

    Of course, Patricia’s in-laws were nice to her because she was offering their son the chance of a lifetime; a meal ticket that would trick down to the rest of the family, so they are bound to make a wonderful impression. Going to USA is as being a stone-throw from Heaven, so, they would let such opportunity go.

    Sadly, my people (Nigerians) are so xenophobic that starting to educate them will take eternity for them to see everyone as equal.

    Today, many Nigerians are happy for Barack Obama but Obama wouldn’t have had that chance in Nigeria as they would have told him to go back to his father’s country and that his mother being a Nigerian does not make him Nigerian enough. In fact, If one’s father is not a Nigerian, that person is worse than an outcast.

    During my primary school days in the city of Enugu, I could remember a teacher cursing another child who was mixed-race simply because his father was white. This made such an impression on me as a child that I have never forgotten it and will never.

    My litmus test for any Nigerian reading this is; will you accept a Nigerian whose father is European as your President? Would Obama have succeeded in becoming President in Nigeria if his father was a foreigner? Obviously, not!

    My comment may seem disparaging of my own people and may cause some anger but if the truth be told, there you have it in “black and white”.

  21. Commentor says:

    Hi Patricia,

    Though your mother’s reasons don’t make sense, her feelings for you not marrying the man are not invalid. I am a Nigerian and Nigerian men will treat African American women like queens to get their green cards and citizenship. Don’t be deceived, you are not the only woman he loves or could’ve have married, but you were the one with American citizenship.

    Even in churches premarital counseling sessions it is preached that God sometimes uses parents disagreeing with their children’s choice for a spouse. The couple is told to prayerfully wait and the pastor who knows the couple will plead the case with the parents till the parents accept their child’s choice. In your case you didn

  22. Chuks Obiajulu says:

    @Patricia: Good luck my dear. Bad experiences exist everywhere, however by the grace of the Lord, you will still be married to your Nigerian husband when you’re as old as your mother! I am a Nigerian man, married to a Ghanaian, (which is the worst crime any Nigerian man can commit according to some Nigerians!). The fact of the matter is the resentment that some African-Americans harbour towards Nigerians is misplaced on one hand, and understandable on the other. I know of a fairly literate Nigerian man that married an educated, loyal, gorgeous and homely African-American. He already had a girlfriend in Nigeria who he intended to marry, however he wanted a green card and by accident met the woman of his dreams. He was torn between following tradition and marrying his Nigerian girl, or going with the African-American. He buckled, left his African-American girl, and returned half-heatedly to Nigeria to marry his Nigerian lady. This man is now about to end his second failing Nigerian marriage. He constantly laments about how since he left his soul mate in the US he has never been happy, and has resigned never to be in a happy marriage. This story had a deep impact on me, so when it looked as if I was going to go through a near similar situation, I married my Ghanaian girlfriend immediately. We have been together for nearly 20 years and now have 5 beautiful children. Day after day, those Nigerian friends that mocked my choice now troop into my house to eat my wife

    • Odiegwu says:

      Old boy, did you say they troop in to eat your Wife, wow, I hope they aint eating her, lol.
      Anyway, my opinion about Patricias story is that as long as you enjoy it while it lasts, dont worry about tomorrow.
      The thing to do is to be open about issues you find difficult and pls, learn his language, I tell you, if you do this, you got it. first, learn Pidgin English as how to say some words and start forming sentences. His Son is there, he will teach you, learn the language before his son becomes Americanized. Im also an Enugu bwoy, married to a Southern African and we live in Europe, I speak Igbo and yoruba as well as pidgin English and can switch on American accent when it suits me. When we first got together, my Wifes family were like OMG, she crazy. they havent fully accepted me and my wife and I argue a lot over you tell me what but, hey, its been over 10 yrs now and the kids are growing so we have to argue less and less and less and now, Im learning to say yes dear etc, but, and I now have to watch what I say when Im on the phone because everyone in my house can understand a lot of Igbo words 🙁
      But, life goes on, Im sure by the time we are 70, we will be fine, Nigerian women see me almost as a foreigner and I likewise. I dont think I can cope with them, they are so expensive, LOL, but its true. 
      I urge you to learn his ways and show him yours too and I must tell you that he aint gon get no booty in Nigeria the way you African Americans put it down. LOL, mm hmm, I thought of marrying one myself. too late now, Im all hooked and sh**.  Like all men, he gonn get him some booty outside some day but, we dont see it as cheating, its a black tang, but, he gon come right to the crib, dont just be snooping on no fone and sh**. 
      So, in a coconut shell, learn to speak with his Sisters and family in clear English and ask them about cooking learn how to cook the food or order some from a Nigerian restaurant ask them how to serve it and how to preserve it, always have hot chilli pepper at home and you getting there.

  23. pmdaboh says:

    UPDATE: My husband and I celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary, and my mother and he are very close. My mother and husband hit it off wonderfully when they met, and the relationship is strong.

    It is possible, for someone’s opinion to change; and I am glad her opinion towards my husband–especially after meeting him–has changed favorably on his behalf. My husband is very humble, and is man of God. He showed my mother love throughout the entire situation.

  24. Douglas says:

    I think you made a good choice marrying your nigerian husband.How ever, the key to keeping him is this, be nice to his family and the will not allow him to hurt you, keep them at a distance and you will have your self to blame.This will make him feel accepted and he will want to stay.Good luck.4rm Douglas Enyinnaya Johnson.Nigeria.

  25. Douglas says:

    I think you made a good choice marrying your Nigerian husband.However the key to keeping him is to take his family as yours, (this will make him feel accepted) and the will not allow him to hurt you, keep them at a distance and you will have your self to blame.A typical African man and a Nigerian man in particular will throw your gold at your when the time is right if he feels his people(family) are not accepted by you.Good luck.4rm Nigeria

  26. Hi! Your story was touching and so much educative.As reiterated by many positive people on this forum, NO NATION POSSESSES SAINTS AS CITIZENS! I believe the whole process from the developing of your heart feelings, to the Visa procurement and protocols, the initial rejection by your Mum (thankfully She changed her mind), and the thought of a son…wasnt easy. I am thankful to God for bringing you such immense happiness that you could get from your Man. Sometimes, the painful hassles African-Americans and Nigerians abroad face make them hate the guts of these men who never ‘suffered’-dont blame them. I have this to say which someone mentioned, stay close to your Man’s people and you wont have issues. Discuss how you handle relatives because soon some would want to come down.
    The reality is that its not easy marrying between ‘the Divide’. Stay strong and prayerful…I guess you are so matured because you have been in a marraige for a long time.teach your Man your culture and learn his.Take his son like yours and your children I expect he treats as His. Have a blessed marriage and keep encouraging those who need such.Stay blessed and tell your Husband…make him represent naija well o.

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